32: Freedom

Baby came to cook a really heartfelt dinner for jie and kor. It was a Valentine's Day, and baby said he wanted to spread the love around us. Though baby kept claiming that it won't taste good because it was his first trial at it, but it turns out nice. Marinated salmon, ham, bacon, vegetables and spaghetti sprinkled with strips of Korean Seaweed, with Chicken Mushroom Soup. <3.. But near the end of the day, we parted in an unexepcted way.. I made baby felt unappreciated and upset. All i want baby to feel is that I really am grateful for his exsistence in my life. That no matter how awful I have behaved, I am thankful and yes blogspot, I love him.

Hello Blogspot.
I had a happy day today. Really happy and grateful. Thank You to Dad, Mum, Sister, Brother for forgoing your friend's birthday celebration today too, Jing Kang's grandmother for trying his cake, dad for helping in the cake and wrapping the present for Jing Kang, mum for helping in the cake and tying such a nice ribbon for the present from his sisters, his two sisters for helping in the cake, buying the Korean Strawberries and giving really nice wallet and dress.
Also to Ruyu, Regina, Pei Wen, Yok How, Derrick, Pei Wen's family too. Her mum for cooking such great hearty meal, her dad for being a funny companion taking photos of us, her sis for being a great companion throughout our meeting at Pei Wen house as well.. Thank You so much. Just that I am a let down to them because I know I didn't show my very sincere gratitude to them.. I feel like I am taking things for granted..
Behind all these, Jing Kang.. Baby.. Thank You.. I am really happy. And I hope I can do that to you too. To have you be happy.

Hey Heyyeeyayo! I am back again. Toggling between Green Diary and you.. though hasn't been writing for a long time. And selfishly, I was thinking if baby remembered his..

My birthday is coming.. I tell myself it is just a normal day. Nobody will treat that day so speical, because you (which is me) ain't that good a person as a colleague, daughter, friend, and even a girlfriend. I can see or feel it myself. From the way people look and treat. I dear my colleagues alot. I dear my boyfriend and friends too. And my family as well. But I am always expecting something from them instead of thinking what I can do for them. I ain't so helpful at work. I ain't so filial at home. I ain't so hardworking at school. And I most probably ain't showing enough sincerity for my friends. So how can I demand something for my birthday. I have to realise that I have to do, and even if done, expect nothing. Feel the contend, or probably the happiness within because you may have done something that won't irritate someone, or put others at an inconvenience. It matters alot, though you might think its not a big deal.
Deep inside, all I actually want is to spend a good time with boyfriend and family. And also, I have not much friends to share with too. At the least, Poh Siu have her ex-colleagues and even her ex-boyfriend church friends to remember her birthday and celebrate with her. Her ex-boyfriend wanted to celebrate with her too. But who will want to with me. I know I can't compare. I know I can't. With what I have as a person, how could i. If i want, I should have take a look at myself.

Recently, for a few months, I realise I have been in a very bad state and mind. Which makes me feel easily irritated and frustrated. It feel really terrible. It could be this, that our quarrels with my boyfriend and me seems to be grewing stronger and frequently. I felt that the time we had together doesn't seems like a couple should have. I kept asking myself was it because I really want too much. But another side of me told me its normal to think of this way. As confused as it is, I do things implusively. I chose not to let go, and quarrel with my boyfriend. Things got really hard to handle that both of us took a lot of time to settle down. But just sometimes, I really felt neglected.. I really felt that way. I can't control that unappreciative feeling.. Heyyeeyaya. I really typed everything I felt here.. I hope you won't be laughing or someone out there won't happen to pass by this spidy web blog and laugh too.

It's the eve of Chinese New Year. But I just cried so hard. Probably I really can't.. I really can't just accept things that seems unfair to me. I really want to feel appreciated and at the least, care from someone I love.. Since Friday, I knew I am moody. There were a few short slience, but he didn't even ask why the sad look on my face. He just went on to continue his stuffs.. I feel ignored.. by someone I called my soul partner. Today, woke up early to have breakfast and went to work and meet mum for late lunch. He told me to shop first, will message me if he is done with his chores. From Paya Lebar, I thought of going Cityhall so that later meeting him would be easier. I didn't.. I went to Tampines instead, with a gulit feeling. I tell myself I would tell him I am at Cityhall when he called. But until late 9pm plus, after I messaged and called, he didn't reply and no ans, then did he reply saying he just had dinner, was still packing and very tired.. I am too.. I am tired too.. waiting in vain. waiting with a heart full of worries about him because he was very sick. waiting like an really stupid idiotic ordinary girl, I feel just like his normal friend. He doesn't really care if I am waiting for him right. He said he is too vexed over his messy room and forgotten about replying.. I am sorry. I know once I let him know what is on my mind, things will start to go wrong. And everything starts with me. Because I started the topic going.

If he haven't notice, its been ages since we have something to do together..

I know I have been affected by the coming Chu Xi dinner at my grandma's place. Because of the stress I know I will feel when I face my relatives.. Does he even know want to know what happened..